Quiz - CHI Holistic Health Ministry

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Are Toxins the Root of My Symptoms?

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Are you a young buck/doe or an old fart/fairy?

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41-60

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21-40

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Under 21

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How often do you get sick?

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I pretty much always feel sick AF. I can’t live like this any longer.

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I tend to get sick when everyone else does, and it lingers for weeks. I cough up so much shit it sounds like I’m a chain smoker.

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Meh, nothing too extreme. I maybe get sick once a year. Nothing a Z Pack and Mucinex won’t fix though right?

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Have you been diagnosed with any diseases?

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Yes, 5

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Yes, 2-4

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Yes, 1

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How many medications do you take?

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2-4

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Which best describes your weight and body composition?

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50 pounds overweight

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16-49 pounds overweight

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5-15 pounds overweight

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I’m underweight and need help gaining

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I’m fit AF and /or happy with my weight

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Which best describes your weight and body composition?

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Overweight and not really doing much to drop it

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Overweight. I go in and out of giving AF, but deep down this shit bothers me

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Overweight. I’ve been busting my ass/eating clean but can’t lose weight for shit

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I have arrived bitchesssss. I’m where I want to be plus or minus some toning

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Which best describes your energy levels?

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You know those old oil paintings where people are just languishing all day, getting fed by cherubs? That’s me, minus the cherubs and heavenly aesthetic. I literally have to scream at myself to move.

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My brain needs a lighthouse all day but then at night, the fog lifts and I become so wired, I make the energizer bunny jealous.

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I have the circadian rhythms of a farmer-monk. I’m excited to face the day when it’s time to wake up and am like one of those Sleepy Time Bears when it’s bedtime.

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Which best describes your sleep and rest life?

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My sleep sucks ass. I get less than 5 hours if I total up the tossing and turning and wake up with my ‘But First Coffee or I’ll bite your head off’ mug.

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My sleep is meh but mostly I can't sleep for shit. I don’t wake up feeling very rested, but I make it through the day ok

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I sleep pretty deep. If there was a tornado that ran through the house, I might sleep through it. I mostly wake up rested and don’t need caffeine, although I enjoy it sometimes.

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Which best describes where you live and work?

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The shitty city. I reside near or frequent places such as golf courses, airports, parks, schools, shopping malls, freeways, farms, industrial plants, ports, electrical wires, wireless towers.

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More rural, but our air quality isn’t the best. My work/home is close to a few of the risk factors above.

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BFE - We’re way the f*ck in the middle of nowhere and mostly our air quality is clean and little to no wireless towers, power lines.

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Which best describes the people you surround yourself with?

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Most of the people I surround myself with force me into a state of fight-or-flight AT LEAST once a day. Family, friends and coworkers are like a toxic bouquet of narcissists, gaslighters and abusers– and I constantly feel put down and taken advantage of.

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I’m only surrounded by a few a$$ holes. But these people still treat me like I have 16 heads, especially when I talk about how toxic our world is and why it’s important to eat clean and detox our body.

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I’m a$$ hole repellant. I’m fortunate enough to enjoy a really amazing, positive community that brings me up, inspires me and supports me. The people I spend the most time with rarely put me on edge. (I also have good boundaries and divorced people pleasing years ago)

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Do you have any parts missing? (i.e. Gallbladder, tonsils, spleen, appendix, Uterus, Ovaries, parts of Stomach, etc)

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Yes, 3 or more

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Yes, 2

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Yes, 1

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0. All my shit’s in tact

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Do you or have you had any artificial parts installed? (i.e. dermal fillers, Silver fillings, Mesh material, undissolvable sutures, silicone cups, implants - breast, butt, face, etc, metal plates, screws, etc)

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Yes, 2 or more

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Yes, 1

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All my parts are Original AF.

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I used to have one or more of these but I’m back to God’s parts.

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Which best describes your water situation?

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Bottled water, mostly out of plastic. Fridge filter, Brita, faucet filter for drinking water. No filters for showering.

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Well water, reverse osmosis at home and bottled water when I’m traveling

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Distilled water with minerals added, Ionized water OR spring water. Filters on our shower.

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Which of the following best describes your exposure to heavy metals?
(Please consider the following: diet, personal care, cosmetics, implants, silver fillings, vaccines, seafood, etc.)

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Heavy metal hypocrite: You’ve received vaccines, and didn’t detox that heavy metal shit out after. You are around tons of metal based equipment all day, maybe have silver fillings in your mouth, and slather on conventional personal care products without thinking twice. You use ‘the tin foil hat’ to cook with.

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The selective metal snob: You're all about organic personal care products, yet somehow those breast implants or that fancy tattoo ink don't seem to register on your heavy metal radar. You tell yourself that a little lead never hurt anyone and your implants are ‘fine’, especially if you're sweating it out in the sauna and sippin’ on detox drinks.

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Heavy Metal PRO: You’ve removed your breast implants and all your silver fillings by a Biological Dentist and did a proper Heavy Metal detox for a few months after. You enjoy Wild Caught Fish, but take toxin binders as precaution. You avoid aluminum in your kitchen and on your skin. BONUS if you have a Water Distiller. You WEAR the tin foil hat! 😉

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Which best describes your diet?

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The Self-Proclaimed Health Nut: You sprinkle chia seeds on your donut, consider pizza a vegetable, and convince yourself that the lettuce in your burger counts as a full serving of greens. After all, balance is key, and a pinch of healthiness makes the guilty pleasures guilt-free, right?

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The Clean-Eating Dabbler: You hop on the latest fad diet bandwagon and claim to eat clean most of the time, but you turn into a junk food tornado on cheat days, inhaling everything from greasy fast food to sugary treats. One minute you're sipping celery juice, the next you're devouring a plate of nachos – because everything in moderation, right?

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The Health Guru: You're the person who truly walks the talk, eating wholesome, nutritious food 95% of the time. You've got your meal prep down to a fine art, and your pantry is an homage to organic, non-GMO goodness. Your 5% indulgence is well-earned, and when you treat yourself, it's more like a piece of dark chocolate than a full-blown hailstorm of junk food.

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Which best describes how $hit faced you get on the regular? (Your Drink Life)

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You only drink when there's a "y" in the day or when the clock strikes wine o'clock. You've convinced yourself that a glass of red wine is basically a fruit salad, and you're just getting your daily dose of antioxidants. So much so that you have 7 drinks weekly (woman) OR 14 (man).

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The booze-balancing act: You've got your workout routine and green smoothies down to a T, but when it comes to alcohol, you're a "work hard, play hard" kind of person. You justify your weekend binges with your otherwise squeaky-clean lifestyle, brushing off the effects of alcohol as a minor hiccup in your health journey. Besides, you can always sweat it out and detox the next day.

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The sober(ish) superstar: You claim to never drink, looking down on the "shit-faced" antics of people in options 1), 2), and 3). You're either a true teetotaler, basking in your booze-free halo, or a "tipsy toxin free trend-follower” imbibing in organic wine or artisanal, gluten-free craft beer.

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Which best describes $hit you put on your skin and at home? (Beauty, Personal Care & Cleaning Products)

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You buy whatever the f*ck you see on TV and social media that celebrities and influencers pretend they use in ads. You’re cool with typical brands sold at most grocery, retail and department stores and your bathroom cabinet is still full of chemical-laden lotions and potions. How can anything that smells so good be that bad for you, right?

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The half-hearted toxin terminator: You’ve ditched the most obvious offenders, like parabens and sulfates in your personal care and cleaning products, but still can't resist the allure of that designer perfume or your favorite scented candle. Detergents and room sprays are the only thing that actually hides the shitty scents but hey…Balance is key in this polarizing shit show of a world, right?

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The organic overachiever: You've gone full-blown eco-warrior, meticulously selecting only the purest, most organic, toxin-free products for your skin and home. You can actually pronounce the ingredients in your cleaning supplies, with a skincare routine that is a symphony of essential oils and edible ingredients. Cheers to living the dream in your own non-toxic, all-natural bubble.

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Which of the following best describes the impact of mold and air pollution on your health, considering that these fungal "shit-stirrers" can cause various symptoms, including weight gain, brain fog, and hormonal imbalances… Making life a bit, well, shittier?

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Total moldy, messy shitstorm: It's safe to say that mold & airborne toxins have taken over your life. You're constantly battling nausea, shortness of breath, and even memory loss. Your hormones are in full rebellion, your brain feels like it's swimming in fog, and you're pretty sure your bathroom scale is just mocking you now. At this point, you're considering moving out of the city and into a sterile, inflatable bubble to escape the wrath of these sneaky spores, not to mention the daily chemtrails you can spot from your window. You’re plagued by a whole host of symptoms such as allergies, bloating, itchy skin, runny nose, brain fog, and/or headaches/migraines.

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The shit side of fungi town: You've started to notice frequent fatigue, headaches, and a few mysterious rashes. Your hormones are having a rave– airborne toxins are the lasers and your scale is giving you the side-eye. Mold and mysterious pollutants are partying hardcore, and your body's the venue. Time to invest in a hazmat suit or, you know, a good dehumidifier.

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Just a whiff of shit: You might sneeze occasionally, get a tickle in your throat, or find yourself struggling to remember where you put your keys. But it's hardly a mold-pocalypse. You could probably live with it if you could just keep your distance from smog … And damp, dark corners.

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Which of the following best describes the impact of ElectroSmog and Wi-Fi radiation on your health, given that you're constantly immersed in this invisible ocean of Electro "shit" and experiencing symptoms associated with EMF sensitivity?

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Shitstorm central: Your body is now 90% Wi-Fi radiation and 10% human, turning you into a human hotspot that can toast bread on contact. Chronic headaches, unrelenting insomnia, and a newfound superpower to glitch electronics in your vicinity have become your new normal. “But I work in front of a computer all damn day,” you tell yourself. “I got $hit to do and can’t leave home (or take a step) without my smartwatch.”

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Shittier than expected: You've become a bit of a Wi-Fi radiation magnet, attracting all sorts of negative vibes. Frequent bouts of fatigue, sleep disturbances, and a mysterious case of the "brain fog" plague your daily life. Your spouse loves smart technology but you’re a little skeptical of how “smart” it actually is.

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Slightly shitty: You might suffer from a mild headache, occasional dizziness, and a nagging sense of anxiety once in a while. You’ve taken steps to reduce the effects of WiFi / EMF by tossing the FitBit and putting your phone on “airplane mode” at night. Those alerts can wait til morning, right?

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Which of the following best describes the impact of gut infections on your health, given that these pesky "shit-stirring" microorganisms can cause a variety of symptoms, turning your digestive system into a literal shit show?

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Shitpocalypse Now: Your gut has turned into a full-blown battleground, with constant cramping, nausea, and an intimate relationship with the porcelain throne. You've considered breaking up with your digestive system altogether, trading in your favorite leggings for muumuus, and adopting a pet probiotic instead.

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Gut Gone Wild: You're starting to question your life choices as you deal with frequent abdominal pain, bouts of diarrhea, and an unpredictable mix of constipation. Gut infections are having a blast in there, and you're left wondering if it's time to switch to a diet of plain rice and a Pinterest-worthy detox water.

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A minor shituation: You might experience occasional bloating or gassiness, but it's nothing that can't be blamed on last night's questionable leftovers. Your gut's still mostly your friend, just with a few quirks and a flair for impromptu fart solos during important meetings or at the gym.

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